Repentance - For the Race Set Before Us.

Hey, there :) - it's me again.

Been thinking. It's hard not to while sitting in this small room, day after day, week after week.

What is my role in this long, overstayed visit? Trying to look inward..... I'm crabby for sure. I was thinking about that several days ago during the daily "huddle" with Olivia's "doctor team of the week". Frustrated to say the least......I think anyone would be. Angry. Questioning what the heck is going on with these fevers. Is there sin tripping me up? What is this race I'm running?

Do you ever just get so worked up about a situation and you know darn well you have absolutely no control over it? Where the answers are slow, and the future appears questionable? Each morning, for the last 5 weeks, I wake up on this pullout futon searching for a way out of this place. What's the answer?

You know me. Even though I'm not talented enough to sing worth a darn, listening to music....especially praise and worship music gets me thinking. It's like these songs minister to my questioning spirit and point me to an area of my life that needs a little mending....in this case, repenting. Today, I heard Switchfoot's amazing song "I Won't Let You Go"

Seriously.....take a gander at a couple of these lyrics:

When it feels like surgery...And it burns like third-degree...And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in..And you feel that ache again..And you wonder..What's giving birth?

If you could let the pain of the past go...Of your soul...None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down...You could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won't let you go

If you could only let go your doubts...If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won't let you go

When your fear is currency...And you feel that urgency
You want peace but there's war in your head

Maybe that's where life is born...When our façades are torn
Pain gives birth to the promise ahead

There ain't no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart
There ain't no strength that's strong enough that could tear this love apart
Never gonna let you go



These words! They so easily confirm the scripture that stopped me in my tracks today:

The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed but wants everyone to repent. 2 Peter 3:9

We all have those pangs of unforgiveness that we can't let go of. Honestly, if you really think about it. For me, I guess I realized in the last couple weeks how incredibly mad I have been towards the medical community in general. Seventeen years is a long time to carry the hurt, anger and bottled up bitterness that stems from what was stolen from me. Maybe I'm the one that needed the surgery here. A deep incision into my broken heart to remove this infective root of anger and bitterness. Maybe this would rid me of my own fevers of contempt, sarcasm, and victimhood.

It's funny, but to those on the outside, that seems so logical. It is logical if you've never walked in my shoes or the shoes of a parent who witnessed and reported the same dreaded fate for their child. People can see the logic of me extending forgiveness to a highly praised community even while their own personal life reeks of held on offense and hurt that may have happened years ago. No condemnation here, just putting in perspective where I am coming from.

What if your growth depended on forgiving someone while being in the uncomfortable position of having to completely depend on them at the same time? That concept is not so far-fetched. In fact, I think of the many people I know who grew up with an abusive parent, and as a child, they obviously had no recourse.  It seems crazy that I am in this position, or is it? Relying on a system that is responsible for screwing up her system so terribly that she is incapable, really, to break down medications that she needs to get better. Can't get any more stuck than that.

This is hard to hear.....I know. We all want to believe the fairytale concept of the "First Do No Harm" motto. In fact, this was recited to me by one of the docs on her rounds when I wanted to use a simple supplement. I won't languish in his embarrassment when he later had to diagnose her with a reaction from a medicine given to her here as the culprit of these fevers. I did not know that according to the FDA, drug Adverse Drug Reactions (ADR) are the 4th leading cause of death in the US.

Truth is hard to hear sometimes....and for me, learning how the Truth of how truly destructive unforgiveness is to our souls and our walk with God was life-changing. Over 17 years I have been pruning and repenting all sorts of unforgiveness. I guess you could say I saved the best for last. The one that seemed to act as a messed up security blanket. Can anyone relate? When we first checked in here I was deep in resentment. Watching her suffer in their midst is like pulling a scab off a 17-year old wound that has never healed. Truth is that my own free will allowed that sore to remain scabby and ready to be triggered.....even by accident. Positioned perfectly for the next ripping off ceremony. Does that make sense?

Sometimes difficult situations force you to look to other avenues of relief, especially after several weeks. Tearfully repenting this bitterness was the most freeing thing I've done in the last month. It was interesting, but for the first time, I was truly able to look past her injury and the perpetrators who destroyed my beautiful girl's life. I finally let my guard down and it granted me the privilege to take the time to truly gaze into the eyes of the hospitalists that are taking care of her. It revealed a much different picture then I had been imagining in my head. Once free, I witnessed the glossed over tears forming in their eyes.....the sound of a choked up professional assessment and the countless confessions of being up all night, "thinking about Olivia", researching possible diagnosis's to explain Olivia's extreme uncomfortableness and crazy high fevers. It reminded me that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

Now that's freedom.  All it required was an obedience to His Truth. We can all look at all the terrible things that have been done to us and hold onto it ---- it's your right. But when I took to heart my role in transforming that hurt into sin I can see why I've been stumbling and tripping up in this "race set before me." I want His endurance, not my own.

I was thinking about it last night. This really free's my soul to continue writing about our journey with vaccine injury. I can report the truth I've learned and hopefully provide a different avenue of emotional freedom to other parents who may be just like me. It seems odd in the flesh, but true submission to the highest Judge is the most powerful thing for life renewal and recovery.

The last couple verses of this song scream an important Truth ---- He's never going to let you go. No darkness is strong enough.


 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake, we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35-39


xo

Faithfully Waiting for that "Suddenly" Moment. Can We Bounce Back?

Wishing I had some better news....or any news for that matter.

We are still here and the relentless fevers are her constant companion, unwilling to just melt away within the perspiration that pushes through her pores several times a day.

Where have we been since my Valentine's Post?

I can't help but be in waiting mode, right? Trying to learn more, sit still and listen more...trying not to question and simmer too long in the "wonder" stage.

Wondering.....how a kid with a history of very few fevers can fall into such a rare position of chronic fevers.

Wondering how we could go from eating, drinking and walking to the bathroom to tube feeding, extreme weakness and a strange inability to even hold her head up.

Wondering, and waiting for what God's going to reveal from this odd setback.

Wondering why I can't ever be consistent with my faith. You know, that believing without seeing thing.

I have to say that we've traveled down some rocky paths in the last four weeks and have seriously been pushed to the edge of several cliffs. Scary cliffs. She has been tested for a plethora of major syndromes, infectious diseases, AutoImmune Diseases,  HIV, Tuberculosis, and many other obscure conditions they needed to rule out. Praise God they all have been negative. 🙏🏼

As of today, the team continues to scrap the bottom of the barrel looking to check off any other "one in a million" conditions as her current condition continues to baffle them.

Even the current "semi diagnosis" of "Drug Reaction with Eosinophilia and Systemic Symptoms"(DRESS) isn't conclusive. Phenobarbital is one of the bad guy drugs with this mysterious syndrome. Unfortunately, the phenobarbitol has been keeping those dang seizures in check. Check out the pictures below though. With every single hospitalization, I explain Olivia's extreme hypersensitivity to medications, and the uncharacteristic nature of her weak, damaged immune system. Every. Single. Time.

After days of testing the scary stuff, it comes back to this. Hypersensitivities to drugs.....accumulation of drug metabolites (i.e. toxic). You really can't make this stuff up.

Reflecting on the last four weeks and watching her get a tiny bit better each day, I'm reminded of God's Grace while actually simmering in that unwanted arena of the unknown. Auto Immune conditions, infectious diseases, and even cancer --- that's a heavy load. What this uncertainty did do is catapult me further into learning about His character and the obedience He requires while we are sitting in that dreaded waiting room.

I've learned that Olivia has a book written especially for her in Heaven. Her destiny before the injury.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:16)

His Grace gives me the strength to continue fighting for that reality instead of this painful one. We can come "boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help us" Hebrews 4:16.

A friend of mine shared a podcast to listen to and it knocked my socks off. Exactly the words I needed in this confusing season.

Graham Cooke - God gives us the Upper Hand in Places of Defeat.

So many confirmations I needed here:

"Perfecting the art of bouncing back......we can't be 100% all the time........consistency.......God's Grace in allowing you to bounce back to a higher place than where you fell from.......going to a higher place of victory."

So incredibly good.

I continue to proclaim her future:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)



xo




p.s. this is a really good one too:

Graham Cooke - Turning Your Setback into a Comeback

Valentine Fever? When loving the broken is this year's plan 💔

Love. What a crazy, exhilarating, powerful word.......feeling......calling.

Past Valentines for my family have been filled with excitement, tenderness with little's, cute heart underwear as gifts and of course flowers and chocolates.

But. Not. This. Year.

Going on 4 weeks in the hospital and we are stuck. Like, somewhere between a rock and a hard place. Ever been there?

For those who've been following our recent hospital experience, the complications appear to be endless. I explained in my last post Can Wisdom be elusive for the Wise that Olivia was in a lot of pain from her wisdom teeth, which continues to be overlooked as painful. We checked-in the end of January for a drug wean, and since then each day continues to morph into unbelievable complication after complication.

Now, for today. In addition to the mouth pain, this poor girl has had high fevers for over 10 days. We've had all the blood work to find a source of infection and they've come up with diddly squat. So here we are with a diagnosis of FUO - Fever of Unknown Origin --- aka a mountain of hurdles. You see, there will be no surgery with this mysterious fever. In addition, fever medications haven't been working -- maybe 50% of the time and she is getting weaker by the day.

Sometimes I just don't get it. Why do the hurdles have to be so high? My conversations with God seem to get shorter during these intense moments, I don't know..... my mind goes blank and I can't think....I don't like it.

From the fever's early beginnings my mommy instinct kept going back to the day after the abscess surgery when she was put on 6, yes 6 medications all at once. Many of these medications were major pain narcotics and for a mom with a kid who doesn't process drugs the way others do, I was a bit concerned. Within two days of starting these medications her fevers started.....and never stopped.

Ten days later, they now have a theory. Drug fever. Hmmmmm.....yes, a reaction to a drug, exactly what I was concerned about. But hey, I'm just a mom.

New meds, high, unexplained fevers = drug fever. Here's a news flash.......medicines have side effects and actually can cause problems. Benefits do not always outweigh the risks.

So, we wait. We wait for her little body to deal with whatever it could not handle. We all know the waiting is the hardest. This song. "Take Courage" is incredible. Words so spot on for my weary valentine heart and painful days of waiting. If this post catches you on a vulnerable Valentine's Day lean in....you won't be disappointed.

Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing

I am so thankful for your prayers. Holding onto my hope that she'll pull through this. Once she does, her wisdom teeth will have to come out. Praying these days shorten up quickly.❤️

xo

Can Wisdom be elusive for the wise?

Hey there friends.

So thankful for your prayers. Olivia continues to need them.❤️

Yes, we are still in the hospital. Three weeks today. Sigh.

Testing...scanning.....blood work....ultrasounds.....Echo's.....such sophisticated tests, all of which are mostly normal. High temps, no bacterial indications, high liver enzymes.......constant hand biting.

I'm not a doctor but the obvious (in my opinion) continues to get pushed off the table.

Wisdom teeth.

Pain.

I can vouch for Olivia. Never have I witnessed her biting her hands for days and days, week after week. It's just never been part of her picture. Ever.

I remember vividly the day my wisdom teeth attempted their shenanigans in my mouth. I was a sophomore in college.....living without a care, day in and day out. It was an average day. Work, class, a little hang time with my friends, late night studying, then bed. All of a sudden, at 3:00 in the morning I woke up in extreme pain. A pain I had never felt in my mouth. I did what every other college student would do, I called my Mom. By 8:00 that morning I had an appointment with the local surgeon and by that afternoon they were out.

My baby girl has no voice. Her ability to explain her pain has been stolen. Can you even imagine?

What has complicated this hospitalization is a known fact......mouth pain and doctors do not gel. I've heard apology after apology from the hospital staff, this is definitely a hole in our current healthcare system. Dentists are a luxury at hospitals.

Most people are able to explain their pain when it first begins like I did in college.  For those who are nonverbal, that option doesn't exist. So they suffer. They cry. Soon they have no choice but resort to behaviors they can no longer control. They lash out. They lose control. They bite themselves.....inside screaming silently at the top of their lungs. Help Me!!!!

And then. Then they are medicated. They are heavily medicated to end the struggle, with the root problem never addressed.

One analogy I recently shared with the rounding doctor -- Someone steps on a nail. They go to the doctor and they are prescribed antibiotics and pain medication and sent on their way. The pain continues to get worse.....the nail is still there....the root cause of the pain never addressed. He laughed and said that would never happen -  but is that true? I think it happens more than we think. We have a symptom, it's not well understood and the only tool in their toolbox is a medicine that just deadens the symptoms, many times creating more problems from the treatment.

When we checked in here all of Olivia's blood tests were normal. Now, we are dealing with high liver and kidney tests and a host of other complications that happen to be "side effects" of potent medications that haven't resolved a persistent high fever that magically started after iv treatment.

I've been praying for wisdom for quite a while. I never dreamed it would be this literal.

The Bible teaches that wisdom is ours for the asking, He gives it generously (James 1:5) Even if we don't believe it.

I really like The Message translation on this 1 Corinthians scripture on wisdom and the wise:


The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hell-bent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation, it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It’s written,

I’ll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I’ll expose so-called experts as crackpots.

So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn’t God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust Him into the way of salvation.

While Jews clamor for miraculous demonstrations and Greeks go in for philosophical wisdom, we go right on proclaiming Christ, the Crucified. Jews treat this like an anti-miracle—and Greeks pass it off as absurd. But to us who are personally called by God himself—both Jews and Greeks—Christ is God’s ultimate miracle and wisdom all wrapped up in one. Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God. Human strength can’t begin to compete with God’s “weakness.”

Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don’t see many of “the brightest and the best” among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn’t it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these “nobodies” to expose the hollow pretensions of the “somebodies”? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That’s why we have the saying, “If you’re going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.”1 Corinthians 1:20-31 The Message (MSG)


Another version of the most important verse here:
But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; 1 Corinthians 1:27 NKJV

Please don't get me wrong. I appreciate and am thankful for the hardworking doctors and nurses that have been taking care of Olivia for the past three weeks, but sometimes the simple answer is passed as illegitimate, common sense thrown out the window.

I know. I'm only a mom, but I'm seeking the Keeper of Wisdom. The Wisest of them all, and continue to pray that He guides them to the answer - simple or complicated - so we can get her back on her feet. Back to our healing mission.

xo

Back here again.....

What in the world is going on? We are back. Again. Sigh,

This past Saturday was such a great day with my little dancer. One phone call later and it's a buzz kill.

Olivia has been having "rage" sessions again, a major side effect of the anti-seizure drug Keppra. We've been down this road before with this medication, and the timing seemed right since they doubled her dose during the hospitalization in December.

For those of you that have been following our journey for awhile, I've been trying to wean her off Keppra for years. Sounds weird, right? Why is it taking so long?

It seems like I almost get her there and then boom.....she's in the hospital. The first thing they do is double it, because, you know.....Keppra is wonderful for EVERYONE. MORE=BETTER.

Not for Olivia.

For more on past side effects, please read SIDE EFFECTS ARE BRUTAL.

It's always a process when you haven't found a medicine that works, and especially when that elusive "cocktail" of meds has not been concocted.

This time was intense but it seemed like she was doing way more self harm than usual. She was scratching her face, pulling at her cheeks and biting her hands......like crazy. Most of it was done in the ER before they settled her down. Something I hadn't seen before. Something was different.

First day in they started the wean, going down faster than I had ever done with her. Like, really fast. Every three days they were decreasing it by 125mg 2x/day.

The rage against herself was not going away.

A couple days later, one of my favorite nurses walked in to say hi and happened to notice how much weight she had gained.....especially in her face. As I looked Olivia's way, I realized that her face had morphed drastically. She had big cheeks.....bigger than normal. It was then that I realized that there was something wrong with her teeth.......and after a couple xrays it was confirmed. WISDOM TEETH!!

All four were on the move, and unfortunately, they have no room.

Olivia needs them out.....yesterday. This type of procedure is typically not done in a hospital, generally it's an outpatient procedure......at an oral surgeons clinic most likely.

It's been a couple days of navigating a path very few take. Doctors are not dentists and do not venture in the 3 inches or so between your chin and your nose. Some challenges have been presented and some protocols overturned.

Remember my snowball analogy I used in my last post? This hospitalization is completely different. Olivia is in A LOT of pain. Can you imagine having that much pain and not being able to communicate it? Know wonder she was thrashing at her cheeks, and biting everything in site.

Today we are trying to get ahead of the pain. We lost some ground and have been piggy backing pain meds to get it under control.

I'm grateful for the Hospitalist that has gone to bat for Olivia when hospital protocol leans toward discharge and reschedule. She literally can not handle one more day of this excruciating pain.

Please pray that a surgeon's schedule opens up, she tolerates the surgery and is on the road to recovery SOON!

xo

Where do you looketh?

After sitting down with my favorite healing book for what seems to be the millionth time, something dawned on me. Eighteen years later, and I continue to look the wrong way. The author led me down an interesting path with one tiny line of scripture:

Numbers 21:8
It shall come to pass, that everyone that is bitten when he looketh upon it, shall live.

Look here to live.

Looketh where? It shouldn't be work...right? Why is it so difficult?

What is it that I looketh upon? Scripture is clear as to how healing comes. It comes by faith, not sight. So where do I looketh?  Where I always have.....at the devastation, the fall out of vaccine injury.

Honestly, sometimes I get so frustrated. I realize we are to look away from our symptoms, to turn away to what we do not see.

Ugh.......but those pesky seizures. They demand our attention. They are loud, and scary....they hold center stage, how can you not see?

She’s 19 and cannot talk. Autism 101. Unable to "not" see this symptom or so many more....

She’s weak and cannot walk very good by herself. She wears a diaper. Her immune system is shot.

Symptoms of the unwell. Symptoms of a damaged body.

How do I look away and "not see"? Isn't that a common cry of the chronically ill. These are the ones that can't look beyond their demanding symptoms.

Remember the old cliche that some people wear their hearts on their sleeves? I would say this is a description of me before the injury. My emotions (normal emotions), good and bad, there for the world to see. Like many women.

But then......I had a child and that heart suddenly relocated from both beneath the breast and from that comfy flannel sleeve.  Now full of unexplainable joy, it peels itself off easily and jumps full bore into each precious little soul that suddenly became my responsibility, becoming the love of my life.....my heart.

Soon my heart starts babbling, crawling, walking and talking.

And then suddenly, one is gone.....Olivia's soul is trapped in the prison of her own injured, impaired body.

Her soul, my heart. Gone. Stolen, right from under me.

Unexplainable pain for so many Momma's out there.

I think it was around day 22 in the hospital this time around. Suddenly, things turned around. In an instant. Finally, the constant seizures were under control. The trips to the ICU.....thwarted.

This hospital stay was like all the rest. Olivia gets admitted for uncontrolled seizures resulting from an illness. In most cases, it's the same scenario. I often liken it to a snowball released at the top of a snowy hill. Illness.......weakness......stops drinking and eating.....dehydration......increased seizures....loss of control......standard of care.....ICU.  IV fluid is a miracle for her, but that is where the benefit of "standard of care" stops. In most cases, the medications that are administered from this point on complicate her symptoms from the onset. She just does not respond to medications like the average person and honestly, it is maddening.

This time, the neurologist confirmed it. They use a protocol that "works the best for the most people". He used the medications that he has had success with other children. I get it. That line of thinking seems to never work for Olivia, and after 3 drugs in the same family and a trip to the ICU it was painfully obvious. They say....she's complex, she's complicated. The truth is she BECAME complex and complicated by the vaccines and their toxic ingredients. Rest assured, this will be proven.

This time I had a recollection of a medicine that helped her in 2012 and we tried it. And it worked. Suddenly,  in an instant,  there was peace.

My adrenaline was slowly dissipating and I snuggled in one night with Olivia to watch a movie. Moana, the Disney animated movie was one of the choices and I realized I had never seen it.

What is it with me and Disney princesses? Ha!

What’s most surprising is that I have a younger daughter, who at the time this movie was released, was the prime age to head to the theatre with. Not sure if you can guess, but something else took priority and my darling little girl watched this movie without me. So my first viewing was day 22 of a stressful hospital stay, December 2017.

For those unfamiliar with this incredible tale, Moana, the daughter of Motunui's chief, has a destiny to fulfill. The entire movie bleeds Christian symbolism. The ocean (God) chooses her for what looks like an impossible mission. Tragedy strikes her remote island and she is thrust into her calling unprepared. As she moves through her mission, she questions why she was chosen, is ridiculed by one who says the ocean was wrong to choose her, and at one point, gives up on her mission. She overcomes her shortcomings and finds her way through tremendous obstacles.

She overcomes......with the Ocean's help. Towards the end of the movie, I realized the truth of the widespread devastation to Moana's island that fueled her destiny and it surprisingly hit home.

Her mission ----- to restore the heart of Te Fiti. Ancient stories dictate that once stolen there was widespread devastation.

Te Fiti's heart......my heart. Stolen....right out from under us. Unfortunately, the similarities didn't end there . Once Te Fiti's heart was gone she became Te Ka, the damaged and angry shell of her former self.

I could identify with Te Fiti and the person she became when her heart was stolen by a self serving, greedy guy who thought he was a God. Maui thought he was doing good, but suddenly, within seconds, his actions put into motion a devastating cycle that destroyed beauty. Does that description strike a cord with anyone?

The ocean returned Te Fiti's heart. That’s where the story gets good. It was the only One that could do it. He used Moana.

I guess this would be a shout out to all the Momma"s and Daddy's who have had their hearts stolen. I’m not proud of what I became for a while.....I did resemble Te Kā in some ways. I was angry, overwhelmed and ‘fiery’ to everyone and anyone for several years. Like Te Ka, I pushed away some of the people who were there to help restore my heart......I guarded my turf. My heart was at the bottom of the ocean, barely beating......sorely missing it’s former brilliance. But then He found it, held it up and I couldn't help but crawl across that ocean floor to get it back.

The lyrics in this short clip provide healing insight to those who have lost their hearts, however that may have happened:

I have crossed the horizon to find you (Ezekiel 34:11)
I know your name (Genesis 16:13)
They have stolen the heart from inside you (John 10:10)
But this does not define you (1 Peter 2:9)
This is not who you are (Colossians 1:13)
You know who you are (Ephesians 2:5)(Many others)

Oprah is raving about how ‘My Truth’ is the most powerful tool, I feel she is sadly mistaken. My truth falls flat without His Truth. My truth was full of ugly feelings, hopelessness and unforgiveness towards those who stole my heart.

It could only be returned by Him.

Oh, but looketh over here. This is where you live. Not at her symptoms but in the Hope that lies in stepping into each day that she's still here with me. There are many vaccine injured children who do not get a chance to live, for they lost their lives. She's still here for a reason.

For you who have made some bad decisions, for your children or for yourself, please remember you are not defined by them, you are MORE. In addition to God's powerful healing Word, the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North ministered to me many days as I worked through the horror of that fateful decision to vaccinate. One decision suddenly changed the complete trajectory of Olivia's life.

Lean into these key lyrics:

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.




For when my outward action doth demonstrate / The native act and figure of my heart / In complement extern, 'tis not long after /But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve / For jackdaws [birds] to peck at: I am not what I am.  Shakespeare

xo

No more shame......

I had a hard time writing in 2017...

It was this persistent feeling of having to "wordsmith" each and every post. An unrelenting feeling of pushing back what I really wanted....and needed to write about. As time went on it became impossible and the words stopped coming.

I mean, this is my journey....my story, so why am I fudging my way through blogging it? I think I misinterpreted who my audience is, and what they "want" to hear. A couple months ago I heard a heartbreaking interview with a young couple who had recently lost their 20-month old son.  It was her question that rocked my world...... It went something like this....."Why haven't I heard stories of other children before? If I would have heard their stories, I may have questioned it and made a different choice and he would still be here."

I need to apologize to this young couple. I need to tell them I'm sorry for being a coward. I haven't been brave enough. I feel as though I've lived two lifetimes with this sobering reality. I've learned so much about Olivia's situation and am passionate to put my pen to paper, but in order to move in that direction, I need to explain an important truth.

Olivia's illness....her disability.....her uncontrolled seizures....this cruel interruption to our lives is the result of vaccine injury. I know, it's a hard reality for some to accept, but unfortunately, it is true. Vaccines destroyed my daughter's health.

It's been my family's reality for 18 years now.

Vaccines killed that couple's little boy.

I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

It's been 18 years of people not wanting to hear it. 18 years of being silenced. 18 years of being looked at like I am delusional or misinformed, or my favorite...... I'm desperate. A desperate mom looking for anything to blame.

Shame is a sneaky one. It's invisible and destructive. Carl Jung deems it the "soul eating emotion", Brene Brown says shame is the "swampland of the soul". Although some of us bring it on ourselves, the act of "shaming" is prevalent. Words or emotional body language thrown our way, leaving us with seeds of emotional baggage. Like every good seed, it's cultivated and grows.....I'm not smart enough to understand.....I'm not good enough to be worthy of someone believing it.....someone has to be the "sacrificial lamb" to keep our society safe.....just accept your daughter's "genetic" illness......science is never wrong, you are.....she's complex and there is no real reason, it's just the way she was born. These are just a few of the words spoken to me by doctors, others in the healthcare field, family, and friends.  It's always someone else's job to set you straight - right?

You'd think I would have been able to overcome this feeling after 18 years, especially since I had a lot of experience with it growing up. What is it about having red hair and freckles that makes you the perfect "shaming" target? Complete strangers, classmates, and even teachers felt confident and comfortable teasing me about my freckled face and/or my unique shade of red hair. We all have heard the rhymes - "I'd rather be dead than be a redhead", "carrot top", or "Look at all those freckles, can I count them".  Why not just scream, "you're different and you're ugly so go hide, go away, you're not worthy."

I have to admit, the red hair and freckle jokes did make me stronger. It gave me a perspective on cruelty and it provided me with a great life lesson......people can be idiots, don't internalize it...... thrive, don't dive, and that is what I did......I let the cruelty strengthen me. Even though at the time, I wasn't a "practicing Christian" (I believed in God but wasn't actively engaged), I can look back now and see that I became a stronger person/personality from those personal attacks.

I get it. People don't want to imagine that vaccinations have negative consequences. We don't want to think that we take our healthy child to well visits and actually allow bad things to happen. We all can agree that we just want to keep our children healthy. It's almost like an act of obedience. It's just what we do.

We want to feel confident as parents. We want to have confidence in the decisions we make for them... for their future. Some of us really don't want to learn something that may question our decisions. It makes us do crazy stuff. It's what made a college friend of mine think he needed to call me and set me straight. I'll never forget that phone call. "Kelly, there is a story in the Star Tribune that proves you are wrong. MMR did not cause Olivia's seizures or Autism. They are right, you are wrong. (Shame) I will mail you the article." Click. Shame. Hopelessness. Shame. Sinking back into a hole. Shame.

Brene Brown knows a thing or two about my shameful position. "Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.”

That looks a lot like pride, doesn't it? Voicing the truth about how vaccines ruined my child's life brought into question his decision and therefore that needed to be defended. In reality, it comes down to a belief system, wouldn't you say? I was taught that vaccines save lives. I acquired that "belief", not from researching and learning on my own, rather by "trusting" individuals and organizations that I believed in. Period.

I believed what I was told.........vaccines are safe and effective. But the problem is, I didn't learn the whole truth. Did you know that legally vaccines are deemed "unavoidably unsafe" and that is why Reagan's administration signed into law the "National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act". This law provided vaccine manufacturers complete protection of financial liability in the event that a child was harmed or died as a result of their product. Dangerous product/no liability. No wonder the number of required vaccines administered to young children has skyrocketed since 1986.

I wish I would have known Truth. That "He made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. That I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."  Psalm 139:13-14

Could it be that He made a mistake? That's the big question for any Christian. Did God mess up with His creation of our immune system? Do we need to "help it" by injecting a myriad of toxic chemicals to become or stay healthy? What gives?

2018. The year to step up and be brave. Even if you are skeptical of my claims, I hope you stick around and consider what I have learned over the last 18 years. Learn about the difficult journey of a vaccine injured child and the tragic fall out to the entire family. You can do it anonymously. It's time to get real.

I absolutely love this fellow redhead. Princess Merida from Disney's "Brave". I love this quote even more. "Some say our destiny is tied to the land, as much a part of us as we are of it. Others say fate is woven together like a cloth so that one's destiny intertwines with many others. It's the one thing we search for or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some who are led."

Copyright on "Brave" picture - Disney

Destiny. Intertwined with others. Fight to change.

If you've seen the 'Brave" movie, you know that Princess Merida's free will put her in her dire situation, just as my free will landed Olivia where she is. We both trusted hocus pocus. We both tempted God's Will in our loved one's lives, not completely understanding the fallout and consequences.

Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.” (Jeremiah 33:3, MSG)

Pretty sure this scripture means we can be led.

Apparently, to God, I guess a warrior can look like this:

Freckles and all. Shameless.

Last Brene Brown quote. Did you know that vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage? That it is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change?

Not sure why I'm being vulnerable. I just feel led.

Don't worry, sweet friend. I'm not going to exclusively talk about vaccines, this blog is still about Olivia's healing. I needed to put her story in perspective with the truth of what landed her here.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  Marianne Williamson


xo