Where do you looketh?

After sitting down with my favorite healing book for what seems to be the millionth time, something dawned on me. Eighteen years later, and I continue to look the wrong way. The author led me down an interesting path with one tiny line of scripture:

Numbers 21:8
It shall come to pass, that everyone that is bitten when he looketh upon it, shall live.

Look here to live.

Looketh where? It shouldn't be work...right? Why is it so difficult?

What is it that I looketh upon? Scripture is clear as to how healing comes. It comes by faith, not sight. So where do I looketh?  Where I always have.....at the devastation, the fall out of vaccine injury.

Honestly, sometimes I get so frustrated. I realize we are to look away from our symptoms, to turn away to what we do not see.

Ugh.......but those pesky seizures. They demand our attention. They are loud, and scary....they hold center stage, how can you not see?

She’s 19 and cannot talk. Autism 101. Unable to "not" see this symptom or so many more....

She’s weak and cannot walk very good by herself. She wears a diaper. Her immune system is shot.

Symptoms of the unwell. Symptoms of a damaged body.

How do I look away and "not see"? Isn't that a common cry of the chronically ill. These are the ones that can't look beyond their demanding symptoms.

Remember the old cliche that some people wear their hearts on their sleeves? I would say this is a description of me before the injury. My emotions (normal emotions), good and bad, there for the world to see. Like many women.

But then......I had a child and that heart suddenly relocated from both beneath the breast and from that comfy flannel sleeve.  Now full of unexplainable joy, it peels itself off easily and jumps full bore into each precious little soul that suddenly became my responsibility, becoming the love of my life.....my heart.

Soon my heart starts babbling, crawling, walking and talking.

And then suddenly, one is gone.....Olivia's soul is trapped in the prison of her own injured, impaired body.

Her soul, my heart. Gone. Stolen, right from under me.

Unexplainable pain for so many Momma's out there.

I think it was around day 22 in the hospital this time around. Suddenly, things turned around. In an instant. Finally, the constant seizures were under control. The trips to the ICU.....thwarted.

This hospital stay was like all the rest. Olivia gets admitted for uncontrolled seizures resulting from an illness. In most cases, it's the same scenario. I often liken it to a snowball released at the top of a snowy hill. Illness.......weakness......stops drinking and eating.....dehydration......increased seizures....loss of control......standard of care.....ICU.  IV fluid is a miracle for her, but that is where the benefit of "standard of care" stops. In most cases, the medications that are administered from this point on complicate her symptoms from the onset. She just does not respond to medications like the average person and honestly, it is maddening.

This time, the neurologist confirmed it. They use a protocol that "works the best for the most people". He used the medications that he has had success with other children. I get it. That line of thinking seems to never work for Olivia, and after 3 drugs in the same family and a trip to the ICU it was painfully obvious. They say....she's complex, she's complicated. The truth is she BECAME complex and complicated by the vaccines and their toxic ingredients. Rest assured, this will be proven.

This time I had a recollection of a medicine that helped her in 2012 and we tried it. And it worked. Suddenly,  in an instant,  there was peace.

My adrenaline was slowly dissipating and I snuggled in one night with Olivia to watch a movie. Moana, the Disney animated movie was one of the choices and I realized I had never seen it.

What is it with me and Disney princesses? Ha!

What’s most surprising is that I have a younger daughter, who at the time this movie was released, was the prime age to head to the theatre with. Not sure if you can guess, but something else took priority and my darling little girl watched this movie without me. So my first viewing was day 22 of a stressful hospital stay, December 2017.

For those unfamiliar with this incredible tale, Moana, the daughter of Motunui's chief, has a destiny to fulfill. The entire movie bleeds Christian symbolism. The ocean (God) chooses her for what looks like an impossible mission. Tragedy strikes her remote island and she is thrust into her calling unprepared. As she moves through her mission, she questions why she was chosen, is ridiculed by one who says the ocean was wrong to choose her, and at one point, gives up on her mission. She overcomes her shortcomings and finds her way through tremendous obstacles.

She overcomes......with the Ocean's help. Towards the end of the movie, I realized the truth of the widespread devastation to Moana's island that fueled her destiny and it surprisingly hit home.

Her mission ----- to restore the heart of Te Fiti. Ancient stories dictate that once stolen there was widespread devastation.

Te Fiti's heart......my heart. Stolen....right out from under us. Unfortunately, the similarities didn't end there . Once Te Fiti's heart was gone she became Te Ka, the damaged and angry shell of her former self.

I could identify with Te Fiti and the person she became when her heart was stolen by a self serving, greedy guy who thought he was a God. Maui thought he was doing good, but suddenly, within seconds, his actions put into motion a devastating cycle that destroyed beauty. Does that description strike a cord with anyone?

The ocean returned Te Fiti's heart. That’s where the story gets good. It was the only One that could do it. He used Moana.

I guess this would be a shout out to all the Momma"s and Daddy's who have had their hearts stolen. I’m not proud of what I became for a while.....I did resemble Te Kā in some ways. I was angry, overwhelmed and ‘fiery’ to everyone and anyone for several years. Like Te Ka, I pushed away some of the people who were there to help restore my heart......I guarded my turf. My heart was at the bottom of the ocean, barely beating......sorely missing it’s former brilliance. But then He found it, held it up and I couldn't help but crawl across that ocean floor to get it back.

The lyrics in this short clip provide healing insight to those who have lost their hearts, however that may have happened:

I have crossed the horizon to find you (Ezekiel 34:11)
I know your name (Genesis 16:13)
They have stolen the heart from inside you (John 10:10)
But this does not define you (1 Peter 2:9)
This is not who you are (Colossians 1:13)
You know who you are (Ephesians 2:5)(Many others)

Oprah is raving about how ‘My Truth’ is the most powerful tool, I feel she is sadly mistaken. My truth falls flat without His Truth. My truth was full of ugly feelings, hopelessness and unforgiveness towards those who stole my heart.

It could only be returned by Him.

Oh, but looketh over here. This is where you live. Not at her symptoms but in the Hope that lies in stepping into each day that she's still here with me. There are many vaccine injured children who do not get a chance to live, for they lost their lives. She's still here for a reason.

For you who have made some bad decisions, for your children or for yourself, please remember you are not defined by them, you are MORE. In addition to God's powerful healing Word, the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North ministered to me many days as I worked through the horror of that fateful decision to vaccinate. One decision suddenly changed the complete trajectory of Olivia's life.

Lean into these key lyrics:

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.




For when my outward action doth demonstrate / The native act and figure of my heart / In complement extern, 'tis not long after /But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve / For jackdaws [birds] to peck at: I am not what I am.  Shakespeare

xo